Rewild yourself.

A dam on the Colorado River

Dismantling dams and rewilding rivers is hard work. Hard work, and necessary work, if life is to thrive.

You and I were born free flowing streams. As we grow, most of us become dammed and channelized, our water “reclaimed,” our wildness dishonored and diverted.  We couldn’t resist this domestication when we were kids, subject to forces way bigger and stronger than we were. The grownups who dammed our waters were mostly just trying to keep us safe. Our culture, however, does not have our best interests in mind. It simply wants our water for its own purposes. The utilitarian value of the river’s water is more important to culture than the intrinsic value of a wild river’s nature.

My brother and sister-in-law live on the banks of what’s left of the Colorado River, close to where that mighty Grand Canyon-carving river flows to a trickle through Mexico into the Gulf of California. Here the Colorado is channelized and denuded, beautiful in its own way but a shadow of its former wild self. The Colorado’s waters are dammed all along its length — diverted to irrigate crops, generate power, and provide drinking water for Los Angeles, Phoenix, Las Vegas and other western cities.

Real rivers are messy and unpredictable, for sure. But the life supported by a river that runs free is exponentially richer. That life isn’t as useful to humans. It’s wild. Wild life has value in and of itself, value not seen or appreciated when the dam was built.

Fish-killing dams have been removed from many Pacific Northwest rivers in the last decade. Two examples: the Elwha in Washington and the Rogue in Oregon. Four dams on the Klamath River could be removed starting in 2022. Taking out Snake River and Columbia River dams has been a controversial topic for decades.

Demolish a dam and lose control. Floods are unleashed, rapids ripple again, wild life thrives, natural ebb and flow happens. Salmon recover, and they feed Orcas who depend on the salmon. Riparian songbirds reappear as willows recolonize river banks. As marshes, wetlands, and estuaries rewater, the abundant life native to these swampy habitats returns. A wild river isn’t conducive to commerce and capitalism, though, so be prepared to live less conveniently and with less stuff.

Yes, taking out dams is hard work. Yet dismantle those dams we must, once we become aware of the damage they do.

What’s the dam in your free-flowing wild river? Is your dam made from following rules you don’t believe in, rather than choosing your commitments intentionally? Is your dam the belief that you have to be small and quiet, rather than living big and bold? Is your dam made from waiting for permission to flow, rather than letting loose and being who you are? For me, it’s all of these. (I’m flouting all three of these limiting beliefs by blogging much more often!)

As adults, we can dismantle the dams blocking our flow. We can take them apart, brick by brick. Or we can blow them up all at once. We can also keep them, if we like the result. But be prepared to pay the price of dam demolition. Wildness does not exist to be utilized and controlled, to be at the beck and call of those who would use its resources for their own gain. Be prepared to ride the wild river’s ups and downs, to swirl in the eddies. Be prepared to meander up side channels to swampy places where life thrives in unexpected ways.

Be prepared to discover just how resilient you truly are.

Photo by John Gibbons on Unsplash

“She’s so street, but she’s such a lady.”

Bulldog in the grass

Mabel obviously knows her Whitman.

Do I contradict myself?

Very well then I contradict myself,

(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

Walt Whitman, Song of Myself 51

Mabel is a bulldog. She’s brazen, bodacious, bold. She’s one of those brawny, hefty, low-slung bulldogs, built like a brick house. I met her yesterday on my river walk. She’d just come up out of the water, dripping wet and ready for action. A taller dog came around the bend just then to find Mabel ready to go. Much romping ensued, Mabel very much holding her own.

Mabel is beautiful in and of herself. The icing on the cake of Mabel’s Mabel-ness, though, is her collar. She sports a sparkly pink collar studded with rhinestones. When I complimented Mabel, her mom said, “She’s so street, but she’s such a lady.”

Mabel knows she doesn’t have to choose between being “street” and being a lady. Mabel is who Mabel is, period.

You and I can be more than one thing, too. We don’t have to choose. We contain multitudes.

Photo Credit: Gabriela Torzsa on Unsplash

“Racist Anti-racism”

I want to begin by saying that I have such a long way to go here.

I grew up White in a small Arizona town. I didn’t begin to comprehend Whiteness and white privilege until five years ago. I’m 62 years old. I feel deeply uncomfortable investigating my racism and talking about racism. I’m not good at it. Oh well.

If you, like me, want to educate yourself, I found this post helpful. In her post, Katie Anthony, a White woman, explains why good White women’s common responses on social media to incidents such as the one in Central Park on May 25th are actually racist anti-racism. Then Katie tells us what to say instead: “I’m sorry.” “I see you.” “That’s awful.”

The book she recommends, So You Want to Talk about Race, is available here.

I’m sorry. I see you. That’s awful.

Healing is often uncomfortable. So be it.

~Barb

Praying at the Waters

Deschutes River at Whychus Creek

On Monday, Jed and I made our annual trek along the Alder Springs trail to Whychus Creek’s confluence with the Deschutes River. It’s not a long hike, about six miles round trip. It is a little complicated, though, which is the fun of it. First we hike down into Whychus Creek’s canyon, pretty steep in places. Then we ford Whychus Creek, which this year was only up to my knees. Some years it’s hip-high, quite the adventure for little me. The last leg is a two-mile walk through the canyon on a rocky trail following the curves of Whychus Creek to where it meets the Deschutes. It’s a hike filled with the songs of Canyon Wrens and riparian songbirds, many wildflowers, and funky geology. I love it.

And the water. Oh, the water. The Deschutes River has carved swoops and swirls, bowls and kettles, into its hard basalt bed. Alders line its banks, as one would expect. Also birches, dogwood, roses, willows, the occasional maple, horsetails, and so many more. Canyon walls reach high overhead. Swallows and Turkey Vultures sweep the cloud-filled sky, and, if we’re lucky, American Dippers bob along the rocky bank. This year, we watched a parent American Dipper feed their fledgling. Dippers are aquatic songbirds, unique in their ability to walk and even swim underwater, feeding on aquatic bugs and their larvae.

I feel like praying here, at the waters. As my Christian faith has fallen away, authentic prayer has become more of a struggle. My mind automatically reaches for the words of the Trisagion: “Holy God, Holy and Mighty, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on me.” But those words no longer fit my heart’s yearning, and they haven’t for a long time. Changing the words worked for a while: “Holy God, Holy and Strong, Holy Living One, dwell in me.” But nope. No can do anymore. These words just feel wrong.

This year, as I sat on the river-smoothed basalt with my feet in the cold rushing Deschutes, I waited. I waited for that moment of connection that always comes, the moment I become conscious of what’s always true: river, birds, canyon walls, sky, and I are one. Words will forever be inadequate to express this deep feeling of oneness with Earth and her creatures. What feels authentic and necessary is to rest in that oneness and praise it.

Praise be to you, oh river. Praise be to you, oh dipper. Praise be to you, oh canyon. Praise be to you, clouds and swallows and vultures. Praise be to you, oh my body that brings me here. Praise be to Earth and all who dwell within her.

Photo credit: Jed Holdorph

Somethin’s comin’!

Barb Morris Camino de Santiago

I’ve been away for a while, finishing my novel. It’s my second big pandemic project. (My first one was becoming a Certified Wayfinder Life Coach. I finished my training back in 2012 but never jumped through the certification hoop.)

This novel erupted out of me in March of 2017. Its seed was a dream I had about a woman walking the Camino de Santiago who follows her soul’s urging to step through a little door into a Spanish church. Magic things happen. I totally “pantsed” it, a writing term that means I made it up as I went along. Magic happened because I pantsed it. I would never have had the courage to write some of what I wrote if I’d been following an outline.

Finishing this work has been challenging for me. I’ve shared bits and pieces on this blog, made sporadic attempts to edit and revise, but couldn’t muster up the energy to buckle down and get ‘er done. I’ve had to write connecting scenes and invent characters to make it all make sense. I’ve never written a novel before, and since I think I need to do everything perfectly the first time, whether I’ve done it before or not, I got just a wee bit stymied.

Now it’s coming, and it’s coming soon. I decided to publish it as a free PDF on my website, which lowered the pressure enormously and made finishing it possible. Those of you who’ve been asking when you can read the whole thing, I’m aiming for June 1st. Putting this child out into the world in an imperfect form (and believe you me, is it ever imperfect) is a huge stretch for me. But it’s taking up room in my creative abode, and it needs to leave home.

So that’s me. What have YOU been up to?

~Barb

Breathing like a toddler through COVID-19

1962, San Diego Zoo
Three-year-old me at the San Diego Zoo

How are your toddler disciplines going? Are you doing things that help you stay here and now?

My own life hasn’t changed all that much, yet waves of fear and grief wash over me unpredictably and I sometimes feel out of control. There’s a lot of that going around.

Panic comes from trying to resist and control what’s uncontrollable: the virus, the future, other people, those waves of grief and anxiety. Remember, this present moment is the only refuge from what we can’t control or predict.

Anchoring into your breath will help you stay present. You always have your breath, as long as you’re alive. And it’s the perfect metaphor for what we need to be about these days: accepting the reality of this present moment and surrendering attempts to control what isn’t ours to control.

Martha Beck, as well as many other mostly Buddhist teachers, teaches this “accept and surrender” meditation. Doing it once will help. Doing it for five minutes will help even more. Doing it for twenty minutes in the morning and again in the evening is ideal. But doing it is the helpful thing. Try not to let the perfect be the enemy of the done.

Ready? Here it is. Sit quietly. With every inhalation, say to yourself, “Accept.” With every exhale, say to yourself, “Surrender.” That’s it. That’s all you need to do. When your mind wanders, as it inevitably will, just gently return to your breath and these two words. This is all you do.

You can embellish if you choose. You can substitute other words. (I find “Let go” fits my brain better than “surrender.”) You can expand the words, maybe saying “I accept this world as it is” on the inbreath and “I surrender control of this world” on the outbreath. Whatever. Just, please, do it. It will help.

Every breath is a little resurrection. You drew your first inbreath when you were born, and your last exhale will be at the moment of your death. Every breath in between birth and death can be an acceptance of this life just as it is, followed by letting go of any attempt to control this amazing gift.

Another suggestion, lifted from Kara Loewentheil, is to write a manifesto or mission statement for yourself. I suggest following the “thoughts create feelings which lead to actions which create results” model. Here’s mine that I just wrote:

I believe that I’m strong enough and flexible enough to handle what comes my way, and I feel courageous in my vulnerability to this present miraculous moment. I will show up compassionately as my true self, rooted in Source, loving and free and available for my family, friends, community, and the world.

When I read this, I feel much more relaxed, present, and creative. Is this a manifesto a toddler would write? I think so! Maybe let your inner toddler help you write yours.

I invite you to share your manifesto in the comments, if you’re feeling brave. And let me know how those toddler disciplines are going!

There are so many generous creators offering resources to help us get through these COVID-19 times. Martha Beck is offering a newly-created course for a special corona rate. Registration is closing April 14th, so check it out if you’re interested. (I don’t get a commission. I just find her work insightful, useful, and fun!)

Toddling through COVID-19

1962, San Diego Zoo
Three-year-old me at the San Diego Zoo

“We’re supposed to feel like toddlers in Square One, not knowing what the hell is going on half the time, and needing lots of naps. If you’re completely bumfuzzled and often tired, you’re doing it right.”

That’s what I wrote in last week’s post about the Change Cycle and how this global pandemic has smacked us into our next metamorphosis. We’re all preschoolers again.

It’s an uncomfortable feeling, this not knowing what the hell is going on. I’m finding it easier to stay in the present moment, the only refuge from what we can’t control or predict, when I care for myself like I’m a three-year-old.

You know how to care for a toddler. You give that child a structure that keeps them safe and supports their toddler work.

Here are some concrete practices for being simultaneously three years old and that three-year-old’s caregiver.

(Do you have a photo of yourself as a preschooler? Put it where you’ll see it often. Do the same for the other adults in your household, as a reminder that we’re all preschoolers now.)

  • Sleep when you’re tired. Nap early and often.
  • Draw something. Scribble and doodle, then add color. Finger paint. Mess around with clay.
  • Go outside. Sit in the sun. Plant seeds. Take lots of walks. Stack rocks. Make a nature mandala. Pay attention to birds and flowers. Lie on your back and watch clouds. Gaze at the night sky. Cuddle with a warm, furry animal.
  • Put yourself in water. Splash your feet in a river. Wade in a creek. Swim in a pool or lake. Take a bath
  • Keep yourself comfortable. Stay warm. Snuggle up. Wear your favorite clothes.
  • Dance and play.
  • Pay attention to what interests you. Do what you want to as much as you can. Follow your urges. Be all in. “What doing, do.”
  • Be intentional about screen time, and take a break from horror and violence. Give yourself screen-free days.
  • Feed yourself healthy food, and a few treats. Drink lots of water. Limit intoxicants and stimulants.
  • Give yourself structure: Put yourself on a schedule that nourishes your body, mind, and spirit.

Ask for help when you need it. Hold hands when you can.

Breathe deeply. Laugh often. Love with your whole heart.

For more on the grief associated with this global pandemic, see this post from the Harvard Business Review.