There’s been a lot of talk about having a plan to vote. But do you have a plan for AFTER the vote?
My husband asked me this morning how I wanted to handle Tuesday night. My thoughts went immediately to alcohol. Tequila if things don’t look so good, and champagne if things go well. Maybe both.
But that’s not really functional, is it? It’s human to buffer our emotions occasionally, of course. It’s best not to make a habit of it.
It turns out that what worries me about Tuesday night is that I won’t be able to handle my feelings if Trump wins. I suspect if you dig down under your thoughts, you’ll find the same thing. Worrying about and anticipating my fear ahead of time just means that I’m feeling fearful of my fear ahead of time, before the event I’m anticipating has even happened. It’s a little nuts, and completely understandable if you have a human brain, like I do.
I know it’s my thoughts causing my feelings. But what do I do about my thoughts – thoughts that seem so reasonable, given the state of our nation and my beliefs about Donald Trump’s four years in the White House?
This is what I was mulling over as I listened to Kara Loewentheil’s Unf*ck Your Brain podcast, devoted this week to Election Emotions.
Kara confirmed for me that what I was actually afraid of was feeling overwhelmed by aching despair, hopelessness, and anger if Trump wins. You can read here and listen here.
What will actually help me these next few days, before and after November 3rd, is to have a plan. Kara suggests four components:
1. Decide, intentionally, what thoughts you want to think. Choose your thoughts and feelings on purpose.
2. Schedule twenty to sixty minutes each day, blocking out news and social media, to accomplish one or two important tasks. Commit to what’s important to you, and take action.
3. Give yourself at least ten minutes of pleasure each day.
4. Write one sentence of gratitude every night.
After you read or listen, follow the prompts to download Kara’s “Survive This Election” pdf. You’ll be glad you did, I think.
I can’t stress highly enough how much I want you to listen to this episode. It will be 23 minutes well-spent, I promise you.
I’m taking Kara’s advice one step further. In the spirit of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), I’m declaring November PeArMaMo, my own Personal Art-Making Month. I commit to making some art each day and posting it on Instagram. I also plan to write daily, focusing on the sequel to Lost and Found, my Camino novel. I may post snippets of that, as well. PeArMaMo doesn’t please the ear like NaNoWriMo, but it will have to do. Perfectionism sucks the life out of life.
Our brains hate uncertainty. We are currently swimming in uncertainty. What a perfect time to flex our grown-up muscles and take some control of our minds and our feelings, right? {Insert smiley face here.}
Make a plan. Choose your thoughts on purpose, and your feelings will follow. Commit to making the world a better place, no matter what happens on November 3rd.
Moraine Lake in the Three Sisters Wilderness, Oregon
(Salty language warning)
Friends, my life is really hard right now. People are doing things that are bugging the living crap out of me.
I’m not talking about the political landscape or COVID or global climate change.
What’s really bugging me right now is the people across the street who have left their porch lights on two nights in a row and they’re really bright, shining into our bedroom, and the assholes aren’t even home. They’re never home. They won’t be home for weeks.
And it’s the jerks pitching their tents where they’re not supposed to at my favorite mountain lake.
And it’s the shitheads across the lake making so damn much noise. I come up here for silence and solitude. And then one dude decides to skin off his clothes and go for a swim buck naked, and so of course he has to holler to the others that his penis has shrunk (not the words he actually used.). Because the water is cold. In October. At 6,000 feet in the mountains. And these aren’t kids. These are men and women in their 60s. Oh my effing god.
There I sit, feet in the lakeside gravel, maroon snow-striped mountain looming over me, fuming, aware that when I get home those fucking porch lights will still be on. And they were. They still are.
I can’t seem to help it. I have a sensitive nervous system. The lights and the noise don’t deeply piss off most people like they do me, if my spouse is any indication.
So, what’s a girl to do? The world isn’t showing signs of accommodating my sensitivity any time soon.
I, swear to god, asked myself what the Buddha would do, and then I used the tools I have at my disposal. Two tools in particular have been helpful: thoughts cause feelings, and the Karpman drama triangle.
I know that it’s my thoughts causing me to suffer. (See this post for more.) I was already changing my actions by not yelling at the (probably Californians) to shut the fuck up, not unscrewing those damn lightbulbs (jury’s still out on that one), and not telling the fisherman his goddamn tent was where it wasn’t supposed to be (I’m guessing he knew). So I needed to look at my thoughts to find relief. When I did, I heard myself say things like “I hate my sensitivity.” “I wish I could be okay with this shit, like other people.” “People should be more considerate.” “People shouldn’t fuck with my peace.”
All these thoughts are victim thoughts. My frustration and outward focus, my helplessness and lack of options, all indicate that I was stuck in Karpman’s drama triangle, playing the victim role extremely well. I’m not sure how to get into the creator’s place of empowerment yet, and just noticing where I was stuck helped so much. Because it’s not going to get any easier. And giving external people and circumstances power isn’t going to help me find peace.
I feel a little better. A little more stable. A little less like I’ll flip out and hurt someone. I don’t want to overstate the state of my enlightenment. All I’m saying is that the tools are helping.
The world is our field of practice. These times are what we’ve been doing our spiritual strength-training for.
(I lifted my title from this On Being interview: Krista Tippett talks with Rev. angel Kyodo Williams. And the idea that these times are what we’ve been practicing for comes from Liz Gilbert.)
In every situation you encounter, you choose to behave as either a victim or a creator. Which orientation you’re operating out of makes all the difference in how your life feels and looks, and the impact you have on the world around you. Once you see this difference, you can consciously choose to act from a place of empowerment. This is the basic idea of David Emerald’s TED: The Empowerment Dynamic, a cheesy yet profound book. I’m finding this concept mind-blowing and incredibly helpful.
Like many of you, I’ve known about the Drama Triangle—composed of victim, persecutor, and rescuer—for decades. But the antidote to it, the “Empowerment Triangle,” is a new idea for me.
I feel like I’ve discovered the secret of life, the Rosetta Stone, the key to personal and organizational growth and health.
Most of us, most of the time, are living as victims. This is completely understandable. Our culture is a victim culture. We’re taught victimhood from our cradles. We’re steeped in it. We swim in it like water. We’re mostly unaware that we’re approaching our life and our choices as victims. This Drama Triangle feels completely natural.
An alternative triangle, what Emerald calls the “Empowerment Dynamic,” is composed of a creator, a challenger, and a coach. To grow up is to become aware of where we’re living as victims and to choose to take on the creator role. To grow up is to see that we’re always making a choice. This is scary as hell, sure, but it’s also why we’re here.
When we behave as victims, we approach our life as a series of problems to be solved. Viewing life as a problem creates anxiety, which causes us to act in ways that reduce the anxiety but almost certainly don’t solve the problem. And the cycle starts all over again. Not much changes.
Creators, on the other hand, develop clarity on what they want to see happen in a particular area of concern. Clarity leads to passion and motivation, which creators then harness to move toward their desired outcome or vision. Creators change themselves and thereby the world, if they choose to.
When you’re feeling frustrated, stuck, and powerless, you’re in victim mode. When you blame others for your feelings and criticize yourself and them, you’re in victim mode. When nothing changes and you really wish it would, you’re in victim mode. When other people aren’t doing what they should and you’re sick and tired of it, you’re in victim mode.
Conversely, when you’re energized, focused, and open to surprise, when you’re making choices that move you toward what you want to see happen, when your boundaries are firm and you’re in charge of your time, you’re acting as a creator.
How do you make the shift from victim to creator? Realize that you’re always, always, always making a choice. Even if you’re truly a prisoner and you can’t actually make decisions about your actions, you’re still in charge of your thoughts, and thereby your feelings.
If Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl can be responsible for his attitude while imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp, we can learn to be responsible for ours. Frankl famously said, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
If you’re curious about how this shift feels, you could choose to try this exercise:
Bring to mind an area of your life where you feel stuck, frustrated, and powerless to change the situation. This might be your marriage, your job, your aging body, COVID, or political polarization in the US. (Many of my clients feel the most frustration with their marriage.)
What do you see as the problem? (For many of my clients, their perceived problem is that they crave growth and change, and their husbands or wives seem to want to stay the same. This disparity causes my clients to feel afraid that if they choose to change and grow, their marriage will end.)
In this scenario, who’s the victim? Who’s the persecutor? Who do you expect to rescue you? Do these roles seem to change?
Now, ask yourself what you want to happen. What’s your vision for this area of your life? What’s the outcome you desire? Take time to get as clear as you can. Your clarity will be your motivation.
What’s one tiny step you can take in the direction of your desired outcome or vision? If it’s doable right now, go do it. I’ll wait. If it’s truly not, make a plan to take that step.
Check in with your body. How do you feel now? Do you still feel stuck and frustrated? Or do you feel more energized, compassionate, and empowered?
If you’re feeling more open and enthusiastic, pat yourself on the back! You’re making the shift from victim to creator.
If not, please know that’s okay. This work may be simple, but it’s often not easy. Celebrate your new awareness and give yourself compassion. There are many reasons, some of them very good reasons, why we choose not to change.
Questions? Want to go deeper? Contact me to schedule a free no-obligation conversation. I’d love to talk!
How are your toddler disciplines going? Are you doing things that help you stay here and now?
My own life hasn’t changed all that much, yet waves of fear and grief wash over me unpredictably and I sometimes feel out of control. There’s a lot of that going around.
Panic comes from trying to resist and control what’s uncontrollable: the virus, the future, other people, those waves of grief and anxiety. Remember, this present moment is the only refuge from what we can’t control or predict.
Anchoring into your breath will help you stay present. You always have your breath, as long as you’re alive. And it’s the perfect metaphor for what we need to be about these days: accepting the reality of this present moment and surrendering attempts to control what isn’t ours to control.
Martha Beck, as well as many other mostly Buddhist teachers, teaches this “accept and surrender” meditation. Doing it once will help. Doing it for five minutes will help even more. Doing it for twenty minutes in the morning and again in the evening is ideal. But doing it is the helpful thing. Try not to let the perfect be the enemy of the done.
Ready? Here it is. Sit quietly. With every inhalation, say to yourself, “Accept.” With every exhale, say to yourself, “Surrender.” That’s it. That’s all you need to do. When your mind wanders, as it inevitably will, just gently return to your breath and these two words. This is all you do.
You can embellish if you choose. You can substitute other words. (I find “Let go” fits my brain better than “surrender.”) You can expand the words, maybe saying “I accept this world as it is” on the inbreath and “I surrender control of this world” on the outbreath. Whatever. Just, please, do it. It will help.
Every breath is a little resurrection. You drew your first inbreath when you were born, and your last exhale will be at the moment of your death. Every breath in between birth and death can be an acceptance of this life just as it is, followed by letting go of any attempt to control this amazing gift.
Another suggestion, lifted from Kara Loewentheil, is to write a manifesto or mission statement for yourself. I suggest following the “thoughts create feelings which lead to actions which create results” model. Here’s mine that I just wrote:
I believe that I’m strong enough and flexible enough to handle what comes my way, and I feel courageous in my vulnerability to this present miraculous moment. I will show up compassionately as my true self, rooted in Source, loving and free and available for my family, friends, community, and the world.
When I read this, I feel much more relaxed, present, and creative. Is this a manifesto a toddler would write? I think so! Maybe let your inner toddler help you write yours.
I invite you to share your manifesto in the comments, if you’re feeling brave. And let me know how those toddler disciplines are going!
There are so many generous creators offering resources to help us get through these COVID-19 times. Martha Beck is offering a newly-created course for a special corona rate. Registration is closing April 14th, so check it out if you’re interested. (I don’t get a commission. I just find her work insightful, useful, and fun!)
“We’re supposed to feel like toddlers in Square One, not knowing what the hell is going on half the time, and needing lots of naps. If you’re completely bumfuzzled and often tired, you’re doing it right.”
That’s what I wrote in last week’s post about the Change Cycle and how this global pandemic has smacked us into our next metamorphosis. We’re all preschoolers again.
It’s an uncomfortable feeling, this not knowing what the hell
is going on. I’m finding it easier to stay in the present moment, the only
refuge from what we can’t control or predict, when I care for myself like I’m a
three-year-old.
You know how to care for a toddler. You give that child a structure that keeps them safe and supports their toddler work.
Here are some concrete practices for being simultaneously three years old and that three-year-old’s caregiver.
(Do you have a photo of yourself as a preschooler? Put it where you’ll see it often. Do the same for the other adults in your household, as a reminder that we’re all preschoolers now.)
Sleep when you’re tired. Nap early and often.
Draw something. Scribble and doodle, then add color. Finger paint. Mess around with clay.
Go outside. Sit in the sun. Plant seeds. Take lots of walks. Stack rocks. Make a nature mandala. Pay attention to birds and flowers. Lie on your back and watch clouds. Gaze at the night sky. Cuddle with a warm, furry animal.
Put yourself in water. Splash your feet in a river. Wade in a creek. Swim in a pool or lake. Take a bath
TL,DR: We humans, as members of an always-changing Universe, are subject to repeated cycles of death and rebirth. COVID-19 has pushed us into change. Change follows a predictable pattern. Understanding this pattern helps us ride the “Change Cycle” with more ease and better results. The first phase of the Change Cycle as described by Martha Beck is Square One, characterized by death and rebirth. Your job right now is to let your old pre-Coronavirus identity dissolve. This will probably feel painful and scary, and the pain is made worse by resistance. Care for yourself and others as though you’re in active grief, because you are. We are held in Love as we do this holy work.
The Change Cycle is a foundational component of Wayfinder
Life Coach Training. I think it’s a necessary archetypal pattern to understand,
especially during times of transition. And boy, howdy, are we in a time of
transition right now!
Everything in the Universe changes. Every single thing. We
humans are members of the Universe. So change is built into our DNA, however
much we try to deny or resist it. The Change Cycle, as taught by Martha Beck,
is initiated by a catalytic event and has four phases.
Here’s a short overview, followed by a deeper dive into
Square One.
The Change Cycle: Martha uses the metaphor of a butterfly when describing the Change Cycle.* Imagine a caterpillar melting down in its chrysalis. That’s Square One, the phase of death and rebirth. Square Two, the phase of dreaming and scheming, is when the former caterpillar, now “caterpillar soup,” begins to reform and coalesce as a new creation – a butterfly. Square Three is a Hero’s Journey, when the new butterfly does the hard work of emerging from the chrysalis. This is arduous work for the butterfly, and it can’t be short-circuited. Finally, our caterpillar, after going through a lot of acceptance and hard work, flies freely as a butterfly through Square Four! Square Four, because everything in the Universe is always changing, doesn’t last forever. Along comes another catalytic event, and bam! On to the next Square One! Every time you ride this cycle, you get bigger and wiser and more yourself. Unlike our caterpillar, humans ride the change cycle over and over again until we die, unless we resist it.
Martha Beck’s Finding Your Own North Star, p. 245
Caterpillars naturally enter their metamorphosis. Human
beings usually need something to push us into change and transformation,
because most of us resist. The catalytic event that pushes us into the Change Cycle
may be something we longed for and planned for, like getting married or having
a baby. Or it may be something we don’t want and didn’t plan for, like
COVID-19.
Deeper into Square One: My friends, we are in a global Square One. This global lockdown accompanied by instant internet news is unprecedented. Coronavirus has forever altered our world. Remember that Square One is characterized by death of old identities. This pandemic has destroyed our identities as people who get to go where we want, do what we want, and control our own destinies.
Square One is painful, and it cannot be rushed. This square is overflowing with grief. Just like your grief when a parent or a spouse or a dear friend dies, this grief simply must have its way with you, and the best course of action is to accept it. As Tara Brach and other Buddhist teachers often say, “Pain x resistance = suffering. Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.”
When my mom died, I felt like my world had altered
irrevocably. My life had slipped off the rails. I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel
anything but pain again – joy and happiness seemed like they had fled and would
never return. I know you’ve felt this grief, too. You’ve known the deep sadness
of missing someone or something so much you’re afraid you’ll never recover.
The only thing to do when you’re grieving is to grieve. Grief can’t be rushed. It can’t be sidestepped. The dissolution of Square One simply has to happen. Just as the caterpillar turns to caterpillar soup, we become “person soup.” We have to let our former identities dissolve when the new identities aren’t yet clear. The imago cells that coalesce to form the new creation will only find each other when the old creation is completely fluid. Completely disaggregated.
This is how this has to go. Death and rebirth is how our
world works. It’s the story of winter’s death and the rebirth of spring. It’s sunset
and darkness preceding sunrise and a glorious new day. It’s a waning moon
followed by a waxing moon becoming full and illuminating the night. This is how
this has to go. It’s okay. You’re okay. Let go. Let death have its way with
you.
The only way to come out on the other side of this process a realer, bigger, more present and authentic you is to let the Change Cycle have its way.
These days, just like after my mom died, I’m moving more
slowly. I’m tired and inefficient. I’m forgetful and a little fuzzy around the
edges. I’m craving several hours each day just to be with this new reality. I’m
praying, walking, moving my body with love, sitting in meditation, while
working harder than I ever have before. I’m being really gentle with myself –
creating a cocoon for this metamorphosis. I suggest you do the same. Treat
yourself as though you’re in active mourning, because you are. Life as you knew
it, before the pandemic, is gone. It will never be like it was. Grieve the
loss. Give yourself all the time you need.
If you don’t take all the time you need, if you push through
or avoid or try to step off the cycle, you delay rebirth. I know this to be
true. After my mom died and after other catalytic events in my life, before I
knew about how change works, I resisted, sometimes for years. Resisting the pain
caused me to suffer and stay stuck, completely unnecessariy.
How can you tell you’re resisting the death of Square One? Some classic symptoms of resistance are keeping busy all the time, indulging in addictions, numbing, dissociating, avoiding being in your body, obsessing and worrying, and saying things like “Why me?” and “This shouldn’t be happening.”
We’re supposed to feel like toddlers in Square One, not knowing what the hell is going on half the time, and needing lots of naps. If you’re completely bumfuzzled and often tired, you’re doing it right.
If you take all the time you need to dissolve, to grieve,
to become “person soup,” one day you’ll feel a lightening of that load, and
maybe just a glimmer of hope. You’ll catch a flash of light in the distance. That’s
a sign that you’re moving onto the threshold of rebirth. Those holy imago cells
swimming inside you are beginning to find each other and coalesce. A new you is
beginning to form. And just like the caterpillar, your chrysalis will have done
its work. You will be ready to do the hard work of emerging and flying. And we
will be amazed by your beauty!
The Change Cycle is a holy cycle. Although you may not feel like it, although you’re hurting, know you’re held in Love as do this holy work. You will be okay. You will emerge from this experience – COVID 19 or any other catalytic event – as a new creation, and you will be okay.
Contact me if you’d like to delve into this further. I’d love to talk. Consultations are offered free of charge and obligation.
Here are four things I’m remembering now. I hope they help.
1. Change and transformation are how nature works. Nothing in the natural world is immutable. Even rocks change. We’re part of nature. Earthlings are designed to change and transform! Expecting stasis, and equating falling apart with failure, will only make you crazy.
Every thing arises and passes away. That’s always been true. Nothing is fundamentally different now, except that we’ve had our illusions of control ripped away. The caterpillar in its chrysalis has to completely dissolve before the imago cells begin to coalesce into a butterfly. Why do we think that we, with our conscious worry-prone brains so afraid of dissolution, should find this fun??
2. We’re all connected. Elsewhere I’ve written about the moment on the Camino de Santiago when I viscerally knew what science and faith had been telling me all along. That moment on the rainy Meseta, when I felt the presence of the deep heart connecting me to everything and everyone around me, is one I’m rooting myself in these days. I’m sure you have those moments, too. Re-member them. Just as trees in a forest feed each other through their interconnected roots, our rootedness in love and peace feeds our neighbors and our world.
3. We’re all grieving right now. You might have lost someone to death. You might have lost your job. You might have, as I have, lost your freedom to go where you want to go. We’re all grieving the death of our sense of predictability and safety. (See #1, above.) So be gentle with yourself and others. Treat yourself as though you’re in mourning, because you are.
4. Presence is our only refuge from what we can’t control or predict.* You can’t control the past or predict the future. The only thing you’re in charge of is how you show up in this present moment. Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, has this to say:
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Let’s look back at Frankl’s middle sentence above: When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. I’m reminded of this version of the Serenity Prayer used by Twelve-Step groups: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
Here’s a “Serenity Practice” to help calm your worried brain:
Write down the things you’re currently worried about.
One by one, ask yourself if you can and want to do anything about the thing, whatever it is.
If so, and you choose to take action, make a to-do list or a checklist. Identify the first step, and calendarize it.
If you’re worried about something you’re not in control of, find a way to begin to accept it. You might try RAIN, or prayer, or a ritual of giving your worry to the universe.
Finally, make a habit of connecting to your Wise Self during this time of intense unpredictability, in whatever ways work for you. Breathe. Walk outside. Do yoga. Call a non-anxious friend. Make something. Help someone.
I’m here if you’d like to talk through this practice. I’m here if you want to talk about anything else on your mind unrelated to COVID-19. I’m here if you just want someone to talk to, especially if your mind is losing its shit. Contact me if you’d like to schedule a free, no-obligation conversation. I have time for you!
Be gentle with yourselves, my friends. Be gentle with each other. Be present to the miracle of this moment.
We won’t be the same when this is over, but we will be okay.
