Big. Loud. Messy.

Wearing a lichen hat
New Year’s Day lettuce lichen hat

Lately I’ve been trying on words to see if they fit. I, and many of my clients, choose a word of the year every December or January. Many of us find that our words actually choose us.

I’ve gone through several word changes before finding the perfect word(s) for 2021. First there was “delight,” which turned out to be too airy-fairy to support the big changes in store for me this year. Then I tried on “Force of Nature,” thinking that the unstoppable, fierce energy of that phrase was perfect. Close, but not quite right. So I tried on “Creator,” thinking that the goal of moving from victimhood to creatorhood in every area of my life was a worthy one indeed. Powerful, but still not it.

These are all fine words. Perhaps one of them is your word.

The trouble with these words, for me, is that my brain thought of them.

Words of the year should arise from your soul, your connection to what simultaneously sustains you and calls you into new life. I hadn’t been listening to my soul very well.

It turns out, my soul wants to expand. My soul is tired of staying in the lines, caged, and tame. So my words this year are, according to my soul, are BIG, LOUD, and MESSY, whether I like them or not.

My friends, I don’t like these words at all. These words scare me. Like most females in our culture, I’ve been heavily socialized to be the opposite of big, loud, and messy. I’ve been taught that I should strive to be small, quiet, and neat. I’ve been trained to be pleasing and useful and “low-maintenance,” whatever that means.

To take up space, to say what I mean and mean what I say, and to make a lot of mistakes—these will be very uncomfortable. I will not be the same woman after I embody these words for a year. No wonder I’m scared.

That’s the point of your word of the year: to set an intention and a direction, to plant the seed of a desire, to unfurl and grow a little. Maybe to scare yourself a little, too, although that’s not a requirement.

For me this year, I’ve decided I’d rather feel the fear of being big, loud, and messy than the despair of staying small, quiet, and neat.

What about you?

How do you want to feel? What do you want to create? What is your soul’s call?

Want to go deeper or explore further? Contact me here to schedule a no-obligation conversation. And here’s more information on how coaching with me works.

My favorite “Word of the Year” resource.

A meditation on messiness from my novel.

A poem to bigness, also from my novel.

The link to download my novel as a free PDF.

Photo credit: Jed Holdorph.

“I need to repair my leaks.”

Woman holding a string of Christmas lights
You’re here to make a conscious, intentional, reverent offering of your energy to the world.

True confession: I sometimes hear voices. To be precisely accurate, I hear a voice. This voice seems to come from both within me and from outside of me. I know that makes no rational sense.

Martha, the heroine of my new novel Lost and Found: A Magical Journey on the Camino de Santiago (now available for free download here), also hears a voice. This voice comes to her, completely unexpectedly, as she’s walking the Camino. To her intense surprise, Martha’s healing is the voice’s aim and highest priority. Martha doesn’t know she needs to be healed, so she’s unprepared for what happens when she listens to the voice.

I got longer missives from the voice on the Camino in 2014, just as Martha does. At home, in real life, the voice isn’t as verbose.

I only hear the voice when I’m quiet, and usually just a phrase or a sentence. Short and to the point. The voice doesn’t mince words. I’m always surprised by what it says.

Here are a few examples. About twenty years ago, while doing yoga, the voice told me my job is “to understand and share.” Two summers ago, while sitting on a rock in the sun, feet in a high mountain lake, obsessing over something or over, the voice told me to relax and trust. “Stay connected and flow,” it said. I hear the voice in my coaching work with clients. It says things like, “Ask her about her connection to trees,” when I have no conscious reason to think a woman’s connection to trees is important.

Maybe it’s intuition. Maybe it’s God. Maybe I’m crazy. All I know is the voice has my healing as its aim and highest priority, and it’s always a good idea to listen.

This morning, feet in the Deschutes River, pondering my new inability to prioritize other people’s priorities over my own, I heard, loud and clear from out of nowhere, “I need to repair my leaks.”

What does this mean? Here’s what I think it means, for me and possibly for you:

I have a tendency to be diffuse, to let my energy leak. Like a porous canal or a pipe with a hole in it, my energy goes places I don’t necessarily want it to go. This is how women are trained in a patriarchal culture.

What’s actually true is that I am in charge of my energy, and I want to notice where my energy goes. I want to decide if it’s going where I want it to go, or if I’m prioritizing someone else’s priorities.

  • Are things plugged into me that I don’t necessarily want to power?
  • Am I trying to manage others’ reactions to me?
  • Am I maintaining a façade? A fake front?
  • Am I pretending to care about something I don’t actually care about?
  • Am I attempting to control the uncontrollable?
  • What incompletions and open loops are draining my energy?

You are in charge of your energy. Your energy is your life. Your energy is all you have.

You might be asking, “But won’t being selfish about where my energy goes make me a heartless monster??”

No. Here’s why: Being who we are, being connected to and flowing with the holy in our unique way in our unique life, is why we’re here. We’re not here to power other people. We’re not here to power institutions we don’t believe in. We’re not here to be colonized. We’re here to be free.

Ask yourself what you’re NOT here to do. What’s on your “To Don’t” list? Repairing those leaks directs your energy to your soul’s purpose. This is why you’re here – to make a conscious, intentional, reverent offering of your energy to the world.  

Photo by Natalya Letunova on Unsplash

She’s here! (My novel is live.)

A statue of the Virgin Mary in Najera, Spain

What does it look like when a woman returns to her true nature?

What does it look like when a woman sheds the armor of culture and reclaims her true identity? What does it look like when a woman discards the disguises and camouflage she’s accumulated over decades of striving to fit in, to be who others want her to be?

A middle-aged woman walks the Camino de Santiago, and finds a whole new life within herself she never knew existed. What happens when that woman, faced with the potential disruption created by allowing that new life to emerge, says “Yes”? What shifts when that woman begins to understand that her healing is the highest desire of God, the Universe, and the Camino? What wisdom does that woman hear when she acknowledges that her former ways of getting through her days no longer serve her on this journey?

Lost and Found: A Magical Journey on the Camino de Santiago explores these questions. You can download it here. And thank you!

~Barb

Rewild yourself.

A dam on the Colorado River

Dismantling dams and rewilding rivers is hard work. Hard work, and necessary work, if life is to thrive.

You and I were born free flowing streams. As we grow, most of us become dammed and channelized, our water “reclaimed,” our wildness dishonored and diverted.  We couldn’t resist this domestication when we were kids, subject to forces way bigger and stronger than we were. The grownups who dammed our waters were mostly just trying to keep us safe. Our culture, however, does not have our best interests in mind. It simply wants our water for its own purposes. The utilitarian value of the river’s water is more important to culture than the intrinsic value of a wild river’s nature.

My brother and sister-in-law live on the banks of what’s left of the Colorado River, close to where that mighty Grand Canyon-carving river flows to a trickle through Mexico into the Gulf of California. Here the Colorado is channelized and denuded, beautiful in its own way but a shadow of its former wild self. The Colorado’s waters are dammed all along its length — diverted to irrigate crops, generate power, and provide drinking water for Los Angeles, Phoenix, Las Vegas and other western cities.

Real rivers are messy and unpredictable, for sure. But the life supported by a river that runs free is exponentially richer. That life isn’t as useful to humans. It’s wild. Wild life has value in and of itself, value not seen or appreciated when the dam was built.

Fish-killing dams have been removed from many Pacific Northwest rivers in the last decade. Two examples: the Elwha in Washington and the Rogue in Oregon. Four dams on the Klamath River could be removed starting in 2022. Taking out Snake River and Columbia River dams has been a controversial topic for decades.

Demolish a dam and lose control. Floods are unleashed, rapids ripple again, wild life thrives, natural ebb and flow happens. Salmon recover, and they feed Orcas who depend on the salmon. Riparian songbirds reappear as willows recolonize river banks. As marshes, wetlands, and estuaries rewater, the abundant life native to these swampy habitats returns. A wild river isn’t conducive to commerce and capitalism, though, so be prepared to live less conveniently and with less stuff.

Yes, taking out dams is hard work. Yet dismantle those dams we must, once we become aware of the damage they do.

What’s the dam in your free-flowing wild river? Is your dam made from following rules you don’t believe in, rather than choosing your commitments intentionally? Is your dam the belief that you have to be small and quiet, rather than living big and bold? Is your dam made from waiting for permission to flow, rather than letting loose and being who you are? For me, it’s all of these. (I’m flouting all three of these limiting beliefs by blogging much more often!)

As adults, we can dismantle the dams blocking our flow. We can take them apart, brick by brick. Or we can blow them up all at once. We can also keep them, if we like the result. But be prepared to pay the price of dam demolition. Wildness does not exist to be utilized and controlled, to be at the beck and call of those who would use its resources for their own gain. Be prepared to ride the wild river’s ups and downs, to swirl in the eddies. Be prepared to meander up side channels to swampy places where life thrives in unexpected ways.

Be prepared to discover just how resilient you truly are.

Photo by John Gibbons on Unsplash

Praying at the Waters

Deschutes River at Whychus Creek

On Monday, Jed and I made our annual trek along the Alder Springs trail to Whychus Creek’s confluence with the Deschutes River. It’s not a long hike, about six miles round trip. It is a little complicated, though, which is the fun of it. First we hike down into Whychus Creek’s canyon, pretty steep in places. Then we ford Whychus Creek, which this year was only up to my knees. Some years it’s hip-high, quite the adventure for little me. The last leg is a two-mile walk through the canyon on a rocky trail following the curves of Whychus Creek to where it meets the Deschutes. It’s a hike filled with the songs of Canyon Wrens and riparian songbirds, many wildflowers, and funky geology. I love it.

And the water. Oh, the water. The Deschutes River has carved swoops and swirls, bowls and kettles, into its hard basalt bed. Alders line its banks, as one would expect. Also birches, dogwood, roses, willows, the occasional maple, horsetails, and so many more. Canyon walls reach high overhead. Swallows and Turkey Vultures sweep the cloud-filled sky, and, if we’re lucky, American Dippers bob along the rocky bank. This year, we watched a parent American Dipper feed their fledgling. Dippers are aquatic songbirds, unique in their ability to walk and even swim underwater, feeding on aquatic bugs and their larvae.

I feel like praying here, at the waters. As my Christian faith has fallen away, authentic prayer has become more of a struggle. My mind automatically reaches for the words of the Trisagion: “Holy God, Holy and Mighty, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on me.” But those words no longer fit my heart’s yearning, and they haven’t for a long time. Changing the words worked for a while: “Holy God, Holy and Strong, Holy Living One, dwell in me.” But nope. No can do anymore. These words just feel wrong.

This year, as I sat on the river-smoothed basalt with my feet in the cold rushing Deschutes, I waited. I waited for that moment of connection that always comes, the moment I become conscious of what’s always true: river, birds, canyon walls, sky, and I are one. Words will forever be inadequate to express this deep feeling of oneness with Earth and her creatures. What feels authentic and necessary is to rest in that oneness and praise it.

Praise be to you, oh river. Praise be to you, oh dipper. Praise be to you, oh canyon. Praise be to you, clouds and swallows and vultures. Praise be to you, oh my body that brings me here. Praise be to Earth and all who dwell within her.

Photo credit: Jed Holdorph

“Are those HUMAN ashes?!”

Monkey asking "Are those human ashes?!"

“Are those human ashes?!”

Three twelve-year-old boys asked me that question when I was teaching at a Roman Catholic school some years ago. These boys, Protestant like me, were attending the compulsory Ash Wednesday mass for the first time, and were horrified at what they thought was going on.

I reassured my young students that no, those were not human ashes.

Today though, to you, I say “Yes! I hope so!” I hope the ashes of Ash Wednesday are your ashes. I hope during this holy season of Lent that you let what’s in the way of love burn up in Easter’s holy fire and wash away in the waters of new birth.

Lent is a time to get back to the true you. To return to and relearn the real sweetness of your heart, underneath the accumulations, armoring, and disguises of the years.

Soften. Gently notice obstacles to love and let them be removed. Be open and willing to be burned up. Trust your essential goodness. Listen deeply to your heart, which is the same thing as listening to God.

Your heart is also God’s heart. Your soul is that place within you where you and the Holy are most connected and interpenetrated.  

That’s the point of Lent. Disciplines are how we do this relearning, reconnecting, and listening, as incarnated souls living in precious bodies on this lovely planet in this singular moment. So choose your Lenten discipline carefully and make sure it does what you want it to do.

Perhaps you imagine Lent as spring cleaning. Or getting the garden ready for another growing season. Or razing that fancy McMansion and building a tiny sustainable house in its place. Or, as they do in northern New Mexico, cleaning the acequias so water flows freely to thirsty places. Or something else entirely.

The point, when the priest smears the gritty ashes on your forward and says “Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return,” is not to dwell in your badness. The point is to reconnect with your goodness, your heart and soul, where you are at home in Holiness.

The hope of Lent is to give everything that is not true – every obstacle to loving yourself, others, and our world – to the flames of Lent.

Give everything that binds you to the flames, and rise in freedom with the sun of Easter.

Photo by Jamie Haughton on Unsplash

“Who do you think you are?”

There are some things no one else can tell you. Some things you just have to decide for yourself. Unfortunately, these things are the big things. That’s why having someone else tell us what’s true seems so necessary. Who are we to say we know the truth about the big things, such as the meaning of life and why we’re here? It feels important to get the big things right.

Most of us rely on other people and institutions and systems and culture for answers to the big questions, subconsciously if not consciously. Dismantling those belief systems is scary. You’ll probably feel like you’re falling. You are!

As Chögram Trungpa said, “The bad news is you’re falling through the air, no parachute, nothing to hang on to. The good news is, there’s no ground.”

It’s not about knowing the truth, you see. It’s about seeking your own answers to the questions that are ultimately unanswerable this side of the grave.

  • Why is there life at all?
  • What’s the purpose of your particular existence?
  • Where do we come from? Where are we going?
  • How shall we live while we’re in these bodies on this planet?
  • Why do we suffer and die?
  • What is love?
  • Does God exist? If so, what is God’s nature?

And there are the big questions for churchy people: sin and morality, the need for redemption, forgiveness.

The answers you’ve received from your parents and teachers, your churches and your schools, your televisions and social media feeds – they’re all made up. They’re someone else’s best guess.

No one knows the true answers to the big questions. That can be freaking scary. But please don’t hand your questions over to a “higher” authority. Don’t throw your hands up in despair and go back to Netflix. Don’t take the easy answers that you know in your heart aren’t right for you. Don’t decide the answers aren’t important.

To rely on someone else’s answers is to hand them your power. We can’t ultimately know the important answers. Anyone who says they have them is lying or deluded. The seeking, the doing the best we can, is what’s important.

So be intimate with your big questions. Sit with them. Ponder them. Learn to be comfortable with not knowing. Let them grow and stretch you. Let the big questions make you bigger and stronger and more flexible.  

Pay attention to your experience and intuition. Pay attention to your inner wisdom. Give yourself the respect you deserve. Strive to live in integrity with your questions. Listen to the wise ones. Find a community that welcomes your searching – one that blesses your open hands and open mind.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Photo by Billy Pasco on Unsplash