What do you do when an uncomfortable feeling rears its ugly head? You know the ones I mean: the biggies like anger, sadness, or fear, and also their annoying little cousins frustration, anxiety, and the blues.
There are only two things you must know about feelings to handle them more skillfully:
- Feelings are ephemeral. They come, they stay awhile, and then they go away, as long as we don’t make them too important.
- Feelings are the result of thinking.
You probably weren’t taught how to deal with your “bad” feelings, so you try to manage the feeling so it will just go away already. (“Oh, shit. I’m anxious. Again. How do I make it stop??”)
Do any of these coping strategies sound familiar?
You numb or distract yourself (usually with an addictive behavior).
You decide not to do the thing that’s causing the feeling.
You try to talk yourself out of the feeling.
(For me, this third strategy usually sounds like a bully in my head saying things like “Oh, grow up,” “It’s not such a big deal, silly,” “I’m such a loser,” or some other very unkind statement.)
You might use all of these strategies, because you’re an overachiever in this department.
This sucks, right? And it doesn’t change diddly-squat. You don’t feel better, and you don’t learn what the feeling has to teach you.
Let’s change that. Here’s a way to handle the inevitable unwelcome feelings that brings peace, growth, and greater resilience. Here’s a way to greet those feelings open-heartedly, treating them and ourselves with compassion.
Does that sound better?
The next time you have an uncomfortable feeling, do this:
- Stop and feel the feeling. Let it be what it is.
- Identify the situation about which the feeling is arising. Write it down.
- Notice the sensations in your body and your behaviors. Write them down.
- Listen in on what your mind is thinking. Write the thoughts down.
- THEN write down your feelings. There are probably more than you originally noticed.
You might recognize this process as an “Awareness Wheel.” Awareness Wheels are brilliant, because they help us see what’s going on below our conscious awareness. You can download one here.
Awareness in any form helps you see that your feelings are not your problem. Your feelings are your solution.
If you downloaded, you’ve noticed that the Awareness Wheel goes on to ask you what you want to happen, and concludes by asking about actions we’ve taken in the past and present or will take going forward.
This tool is powerful, for so many reasons.
Do this: download and print this blank wheel. When you have a feeling you don’t like, take a few minutes and fill out the wheel.
Next time I’ll share a couple of wheels from my own life, and tell you how you can begin to change your thoughts.
If you want to work through a wheel together, let’s schedule. I’d love to talk!